Cumlossus
by Archem
Summary: Based on the movie "Deadpool 2", after his girlfriend Ness dies and doesn't allow him to stay in the afterlife with her, Deadpool decides to get back at her by finally trying to bang Colossus.


You know, something Ness said while I was in limbo with her stuck with me. After I told her not to bang any ghost guys while she was dead, she told me not to bang Colossus. Well, why not? I mean, Ness and me could've been together in our own personal heaven or whatever, if she'd just let me die, but _nooo,_ she said it "wasn't my time yet". You know, I _should_ bang Colossus just to teach her a lesson. I don't exactly know how it works, but maybe her ghost spirit can see what I do or something. Maybe after seeing me with a giant metal dick up my ass, she'll let me die, so we can be together. Yeah, all that's total bullshit. You see, I actually _do_ wanna bang colossus, but it has nothing to do with Ness or her death. I know I tease the guy a lot with my trademark homoeroticism, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wanna see what his metal peepee looked like. Call it curiosity, but mark my words: I _will_ get into that Russian Transformer's pants.

Unfortunately, my random mission, codename "Cumlossus", required that I, barf...join the X-Men. To make matters worse, I'd also have to behave myself, because how was I ever gonna get Colossus to bang me if he thought I was still a total jerk?

"This will be your room," Colossus informed me with his thick Russian accent.

"Man, that accent is sexy," I informed Colossus right back.

He didn't say anything, but he made a facial expression that obviously expressed uncomfortableness, but also suggested that his face would be red if his skin wasn't metallic.

"I'll leave you to get comfortable. Welcome to the X-Men, Wade."

"Aww, thanks, ya big lug. Come here."

I went in for a hug and again slid my hands down to his rock hard buns.

"I not even going to try to stop you this time," said Colossus with his Russian grammar.

"Good, because there's more where that came from. Why don't you give mine a squeeze, huh? It must've been a while since you've felt a fleshy butt like mine, right? Plus I'm wearing my Deadpool outfit, which totally accentuates my ass."

I turned around and shook my fanny a little.

"Uh, Wade? I am quite uncomfortable, right now."

"Shh, shh, shh," I said while putting my finger up to his chrome lips. "Look around, Father Russia. There's no one in this room but you and me. No one to judge you. Come on. Tell me after these years of my homoerotic behavior you haven't thought about banging me, huh?"

"Well, Wade, it would be impossible for me not to imagine such things with the things you do to me, but that isn't saying much. It would happen to anyone in my position."

"Wow, you're very calculated, aren't ya, which makes sense, since you're made from the same material as a calculator. Wait, are calculators metal? Should've paid more attention in school. Anyway, the point is, you think too much, so I'm gonna take a more direct approach. Is your dick metal? Well, of course it is. That was a stupid question. Let me rephrase that. Can I see your metal dick?"

"Uh, seriously? Why would you want that?"

"I think the better question is who _wouldn't_ wanna see a metal dick, and, I mean, with a name like 'Colossus', you definitely can get a girl's hopes up, if you know what I mean."

Colossus was just standing there looking confused, so I took the initiative.

"Alright, big guy, let's get those pants off, huh?"

I was about to pull Colossus' pants down 'til I realized the door was still open.

"I'm just gonna go ahead and close this. I know there are kids here. Don't need Nupersonic Teenage Witch or whatever seeing her 'daddy's' peepee."

After closing said door, I stood back in front of a disturbed-looking Colossus.

"Now, where were we? Oh, right."

Without further hesitation, I quickly pulled down his pants.

"Well, not quite what I was expecting. I mean it's big, don't get me wrong, but I suppose I was expecting something, superhuman, if you will. This is just big like a big penis on a regular human. It's a good thing, though. I mean, I've had the strap-on up my ass many-a-time, but it wouldn't have prepared me for anything _too_ big."

"Okay, Wade, you've seen my penis, now I can go?"

"Perhaps the whole 'strap-on' line wasn't enough to get it through that titanium Russian skull of yours, but I want you to _fuck_ me. Understand? Doesn't get any clearer than that."

"Oh, Wade, we're best friends, yes, and I would do anything for you, but this is asking much."

"You _literally_ just said you'd do _anything_ for me. Pretty sure this falls under the category of 'anything'. I laid on the bed in a sexy pose. "Cut me some slack. My girlfriend just died and I'm sexually frustrated. That plus my natural curiosity has brought us here."


End file.
